Twelve Days of Christmas
by copycat-capycot
Summary: AU. Yullen. Allen stared at his doorstep as the partridge fluttered its wings from the pear tree it was perched on. "Oh hell no," he said.


**Title:** Twelve Days of Christmas

**Genre:** Romance/Humor

**Rating:** T

**Summary:** Allen stared at his doorstep as the partridge fluttered its wings from the pear tree it was perched on. "Oh hell no," he said.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. NOTHING, YOU HEAR? Not even the plot, most likely.

**Notes:** Sigh. This is _so _original. And forced out.

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_Twelve Days of Christmas_

by **copycat-capycot**

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Throwing a surprise party was harder than Lavi or Lenalee expected.

For one, you can't really surprise someone when they know their birthday is coming up. Few people nowadays were stupid enough to forget their own birthday anyway, but _still. _What was the point of surprise birthday parties anymore? Nothing, that's what. And that made the whole shitty job about a thousand times harder, except when it came to dealing with _Allen—_then a secret party was all but impossible.

Curse freakishly smart bean sprouts. Although, Lavi once mentioned brightly to Lenalee, it would have been even harder with _himself _because he spent all of his time working in the local library with famous works such as Charles Dickens and Jane Austen which automatically meant he had brain power the size of his—

Lenalee knocked him out with a well-aimed kick towards his crotch at that. Oh, the sheer irony.

"Let's get this straight," Lenalee said as they sat at a table for two at Lee's Cafe. "We're going to throw a surprise birthday party for Allen."

"Check," Lavi said. Any innocent bystanders would have noticed that his seating position was strategically moved so that his girlfriend's long leg couldn't reach his privates. And her legs were rather terrifying, innocent bystanders noticed as they sweatdropped, with long black boots that had dangerously sharp heels on them.

"You're not going to breathe a word of this to anyone," Lenalee continued. Only a spark in her eyes indicated that she was aware of Lavi's sudden aversion to facing her directly.

"Nope, not at all, princess," the redhead hastened to say.

_'Whipped,' _the innocent bystanders thought.

The Chinese girl was in the middle of twirling her fingers around her short hair (she had recently gotten a haircut for a change of pace) before blinking. "I do believe we're missing our third co-conspirator in our Secret Christmas Assignment Party."

"SCAP is only for the brave-hearted," her boyfriend grinned, leaning his elbows on the table and consequently forgetting that he was supposed to stay out of range of Lenalee's legs. "Maybe Kanda decided to run for his life."

Lenalee promptly reminded him of his position as the toe of her boot found its way to his shin.

"Ugh," the redhead said.

"Next time it's your manhood on the line," Lenalee said smoothly. "We both know that Kanda should be the most enthusiastic member of our mission." She twitched minutely before continuing in an eerily calm voice, "But he's _late._"

Lavi wisely decided to keep his mouth shut this time.

"When I get my hands on him—" Lenalee suddenly looked _feral_.

While his girlfriend radiated waves of killing intent, Lavi took the time to wonder where the hell Kanda had gone, seeing as he (surprise, surprise) was the one who first came up with the idea of a surprise birthday party.

Lenalee tapped the piece of paper on the table. "Well, putting Kanda aside..." She took a deep breath ("That's right, Lenalee," Lavi cooed from the other end of the table, "he's not worth you wasting your precious breath.") and then abruptly said, "So let's get this plan into motion." Pulling out a pencil, she and Lavi bent over the paper.

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**SECRET CHRISTMAS ASSIGNMENT PARTY (SCAP)**

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**AGENTS:** _Bookman_, **Dark Boots**, Kanda

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**MISSION:** Throw a surprise birthday party for Moyashi

Obviously.

_Oh Yuu! You're late, you know._

**Hello, Kanda. You're late. This calls for punishment.**

Give me a break, Lee.

_What were you doing anyways?_

None of your business, moron.

**Kanda, shut up and go with the plan, or then I'm going to call Komui-niisan.**

_Oh right, I forgot that your brother owns Lee's Cafe._

**And Lee's Sandwiches.**

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**ASSIGNMENTS:** Setting up the party, sending Moyashi the secret gifts, making sure Moyashi stays in his Garden of Obliviousness, making sure Moyashi's scary foster father doesn't find out

**Lavi, you get to make sure Allen finds out nothing.**

_Easy._

**And you get to handle Cross too. Make sure he finds out nothing as well.**

_...Okay, not so easy._

**I'll handle the party decorations and everything else. Kanda, you take care of the gifts.**

...Fine.

_Lenalee, that's a bad idea. Kanda doesn't know how to shop._

What?!

_It's like asking a rock to—_

**...Kanda, stop stabbing Lavi with a fork. Or then I'll kick you.**

Tch.

**Well, that should cover everything.**

_...Ow. Yuu-chan, that hurt._

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_On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me_

_A partridge in a pear tree_

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Allen loved Christmas. He loved walking in the neighborhoods and seeing all of the lights several houses had put on. He loved the Christmas music in the malls that usually annoyed most people after the first couple rounds of "Feliz Navidad: I Want to Wish You a Merry Christmas". He loved the sales (especially the sales; with his foster father's spending addiction, sales were the best things that could possibly happen to him) and the Santa hats the employees wore. He loved the snow and hot chocolate with marshmallows by the fireside, the presents and shiny wrapping paper and red bows.

Grinning happily to himself, he crunched through snow, loving how his snow boots sank into the white substance. It was snowing slightly and it was a childish impulse that tipped his head back for a tiny snowflake to land on his tongue.

Shifting the many bags in his hand, he checked off Christmas shopping fro his To-do list and reached inside his pocket for his house key. As he fumbled with his keys, he thought he heard a soft coo approaching his house. Looking up, he blinked and dropped his keys into the snow.

Allen stared at his doorstep as the partridge fluttered its wings from the pear tree it was perched on. "Oh hell no," he said.

The partridge was a funny-looking bird, he decided. It was colored a soft blue and brown, with white and mahogany speckles. Its face had red eyes and a red beak. And, Allen realized belatedly, it was flapping its wings frantically and shivering from the cold. It was tied to a rather skinny tree (most likely to prevent it from escaping) that had to be a pear tree. Absently, Allen ran through the familiar lyrics in his head. Yes, it had to be a pear tree. A skinny and fruitless pear tree with an enormous red bow dwarfing it, but surely it was the thought that counted?

_'...What to do...'_

"What is _that_?" Cross asked pointedly when he had dragged the present (at least, he assumed it was a gift), tree and bird.

"Um," Allen said.

The partridge struggled harder.

"Is that dinner?" the redhead said, gesturing at the bird while blowing a cloud of smoke towards his foster son.

Allen resisted the urge to rub his gradually throbbing temples. Of all things to appear on his doorstep, it had to be some ridiculous gift from a song. He wondered who had possibly gotten such a notion into their head that it would be hilarious to send him an actual partridge on a pear tree. But of course, there had been no card.

And his _dear foster father _had decided to be home today. He could have been off with one of his many lovers or drinking himself to death at a bar, but _nooo_, he had to darken Allen's doorstep with his ego and personality in tow. Granted, he and Cross lived in the same house, so he probably shouldn't be too surprised to see the goddamn man home once in a while. But honestly, sometimes Allen wished the man would just stay with one of his lovers and leave him to a relatively peaceful life.

_'Too much to ask for, of course.'_

Cross drank, smoke, and swore too much for Allen to be comfortable with, although that wasn't saying much considering Kanda's mouth was almost as filthy. That, and the women he occasionally brought over were insufferable _bitches. _

(They made too much noise at night. It made it hard for Allen to study.)

"Damn bird doesn't look that good. It's too small and skinny," Cross commented from his reclining on the sofa. His feet were propped up on one of the arms of the couch, _with his dirty womanizing shoes on_, and Allen once again had to force his hands to remain by his sides instead of up near his head easing the raging headache he had.

(Or maybe he just wanted to toss Cross Marian out onto the snow. God knew how many people wanted to give Cross the boot.)

"I'll just cook it up," he said through gritted teeth, forcing himself to smile. "It'll probably taste like chicken."

"Whatever, idiot son."

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_On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me_

_Two turtle doves_

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Although he had been half-expecting the mysterious sender to stick faithfully with the lyrics of the song, it was still disconcerting to see a pair of turtle doves actually perched on his doorstep. They looked suspiciously like lovebirds (not that he knew much about birds, but he was fairly certain doves did not have red and green feathers), now that he examined them, and the sender had maneuvered the stuffed animals so that their mouths (ahem, beaks) were touching in what could only be a—

"Gay," Cross pronounced when Allen brought in the stuffed animals. "Two fucking birds having sex. That's gay, like you and Pretty Boy."

_'At least they're not alive. And what makes you think they're both guys?' _he thought, thinking back to last night when he had attempted to subdue the panicked partridge which seemed to had sensed its life was in danger of falling into the frying pan. In the end, his softer side had won out and the partridge was now happily stuffing itself full of bird seed in a cage in his room.

(He also snickered inwardly at Kanda being referred to as Pretty Boy and decided that he had to try calling his boyfriend that sometime.)

As he sat in his room (the lovebirds were sitting together on his pillow with their beaks far away from each other), watching the partridge which he had named Timcanpy, Allen wondered who the person giving him these gifts were.

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_On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me_

_Three French hens_

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This time, Allen didn't even bother bringing the squawking hens into the house. He promptly went to the nearest butcher shop and sold all three hens for a hefty price.

"If I had taken them in, Cross would have made me cook them," he tried to reason to Timcanpy who was more interested in preening his own feathers. Nevertheless, Allen went to bed with a guilty conscience which promptly dissolved when Cross forcibly kicked him out of bed the next morning to buy more cigarettes.

He tried calling Kanda after selling the hens, but the call just went to voicemail.

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_On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me_

_Four calling birds_

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Lenalee frowned at Allen over the rim of her cup. "You have a stalker?" she said doubtfully.

"I'm serious, Lenalee," he said, frowning. "Someone sent me presents out of a bloody Christmas song for the last three days. I mean, a partridge in a pear tree, two turtle doves, and three French hens? Of all the things to send me, they—"

"I thought you liked Christmas songs," Lenalee countered shrewdly.

"I do. I mean, I like Christmas songs but—that's not the point! This isn't normal! In fact, today I'm expecting four live calling birds on my doorstep, and Cross will probably make me kill them and then cook them—"

"What did you do with the other birds? Like, the partridge and doves and hens?" the Chinese girl asked curiously.

"The doves weren't real," Allen said flippantly, "you know, stuffed animals. And I kept the partridge, and I'm planning on planting the pear tree once the snow has melted a bit. And I sold the hens since I didn't want Cross to make me cook them. I barely got away with the partridge." He took a sip of coffee and frowned at it. "Needs sugar."

"Sorry, we just ran out," Lenalee said apologetically. Allen had hurried over to Lenalee's place with the intent of explaining his predicament to his best female friend.

"Hm," Lenalee said thoughtfully after he had laid everything out to her. "I thought you would have gone to Kanda first. How are things with him anyway?" She looked at him coyly. "You two _are _spending Christmas together, right?"

Scowling, Allen said, "I had to call him about a hundred times. Then Kanda said that he was going to be busy this week and to not bother him. Something about having to spend time with the family and everything." His silver eyes flashed with hurt for a moment before hardening. "Then he switched off his cell phone too since he didn't pick up any calls after that." Tossing his head, Allen said stubbornly, "If he thinks I'm such a bother, then I won't bother him at all if that's what he really wants." He downed his coffee in an adrenaline rush.

_'Oh boy,' _Lenalee thought despairingly to herself. This was not good.

"Look, Allen," she said slowly to the British teenager still drinking his coffee. "I'm pretty sure that Kanda has a good reason for all of that."

"Yeah. Spending time with the _family_," Allen dragged out bitterly. "And I phoned Tiedoll and he told me that Kanda didn't say anything about having quality time with him." He paused, and then added, "So Kanda's a big fat liar and I should dump him."

_'Kanda...I'm going to kill you,' _Lenalee growled to herself. This was what she got for actually thinking Kanda would be able to come up with a suitable and alibi-tight lie.

"Allen, I don't think—"

"Bah, who am I kidding?" Allen grumbled moodily to himself. "There's no way I'd ever break up with him. That bastard always finds a way to worm himself back into my good books." He lowered the now-empty coffee cup and muttered several words too low for Lenalee to hear, although she heard snatches of sentences such as "Bakanda better let me top".

Coughing delicately and refusing to let her imagination run wild, she began again, "Look, Allen, I'm just saying that Kanda cares about you. Whatever's bugging him has got to be really important."

Allen just sighed and Lenalee took the opportunity to go over her plan once more. Now that Kanda had screwed things up, it looked as if not everything would go as smoothly as she hoped...

"I wonder what calling birds look like," Allen said gloomily.

"I don't think there's anything special about them," Lenalee piped in. "Calling birds are just birds that can call, right?"

"Thanks Lenalee," Allen mumbled dryly. "That's like asking what sugarless gum is."

"Well," Lenalee said, "how about you get home and see if your stalker sent the birds yet."

Allen nodded dully in response.

The four calling birds turned out to be four frantic-looking budgies in a cage, hopping about and shrilling loudly. Allen took one look at the budgies and let out a groan.

Behind him, Timcanpy chirped.

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_On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me_

_Five golden rings_

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"Yo Allen!" Lavi greeted as soon as Allen opened his door. "I heard from Lenalee about your stalker problem. Mind if I come in?"

"Sure," Allen said, only blinking once at the redhead's sudden appearance.

_'He looks mild enough about the whole thing,' _Lavi thought to himself. Nevertheless, he resolved to take mental notes as he padded through the halls, following Allen into his room. He met Timcanpy the partridge and was awed to see how serene (and monstrously _fatass_; the bird seeds must have been packing) the bird looked, especially after how Allen had told him the partridge had thrashed around on the pear tree. The stuffed turtle doves (which were actually lovebirds, Lavi noticed, and from the funny twitch Allen gave when he looked at them, the young Brit was aware of that as well) were sitting serenely on one of the pillows on the bed.

"I named them Lavi, Lenalee, Allen, and Kanda," Allen deadpanned when they reached the cage with the budgies. The four budgies all had different colors; yellow, green, white, and sky blue. "Lenalee and Allen are the girls. Lavi and Kanda are the boys."

Lavi blinked slowly. "Okay, first off, how come you're degrading yourself like that? And second, who's who?"

Yellow turned out to be Lenalee. Green was Lavi. White was Allen, and Blue was Kanda. Bird Lenalee and bird Lavi also happened to be getting it on. Lavi immediately averted his eyes to keep any ideas from forming in his head and instead focused on the other bird pair. But Bird Allen and bird Kanda, on the other hand, were perched as far away from each other as possible. Bird Allen even seemed to hiss at bird Kanda, her little beak clicking together nervously as she shuffled to and fro on a perch, shrinking into herself whenever bird Kanda shifted or made the smallest movement.

_'...That's got to be a bad omen, if nothing else,' _Lavi sighed to himself. He had heard from Lenalee about Kanda's pathetic lie. He had been tempted to chew out the Japanese for not thinking up of a better excuse or getting Tiedoll to cover him, but Lenalee had just smiled (in a rather creepy fashion) at him and said, "I've taken care of everything."

"Um, so," Lavi began, "the next items in the song are golden rings, right? Did you get them yet? We could totally try to find fingerprints on them—"

"I really doubt you have the materials to figure out whose fingerprints are on the rings," Allen said mildly.

Lavi rubbed his one visible green eye and looked at Allen. "Okay, hit me. Where are the rings?"

Allen raised an eyebrow and looked back at Lavi.

"...Cross got his hands on them, didn't he?"

Somewhere across the Pacific (that damn womanizer moved _fast_), Cross was waving his right hand in front of a man with a shaved head across the casino table to display five rings, one on each finger, sneering through the cancer stick in his mouth, "How much do you wanna bet on these babies?" Baldy sneered back before dealing the cards.

(The rings were plastic and the gold was painted on, but no one needed to know that.)

"At least he's out of the house," Allen said, and for a moment, his lips stretched into a smirk he usually wore after winning a couple dozen card games in a row. Lavi suppressed the sudden compulsion to bury his wallet in the backyard and instead began to talk about the weather.

Later that day, Allen went through his drawer and found one thin silver band with tiny white glitter dotting the edges.

"So obvious, Lavi," Allen huffed, but he smiled reluctantly.

(He tried calling Kanda again that afternoon, but no one picked up. Not even the voicemail this time.)

"_Cross is out of the picture?" _Lenalee asked.

"Definitely," Lavi confirmed. Then he paused. "Well, he did cross an ocean in one day, so I'm not entirely sure—"

"_That's what you're here for," _his girlfriend said before hanging up.

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_On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me_

_Six geese a-laying_

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Lenalee was pissed. No, she was beyond pissed, she was looking for blood to spill. She had her claws extended and her teeth bared and her boots ready to _emasculate _and _castrate _all XY chromosome-bearers who stood in her way.

Lavi mumbled, "I hate PMS," which earned him a smack on the head.

"Kanda is a _blockhead_," she hissed. Not even the pretty silver and blue streamers that she had found on sale for the party could cheer her up. "He _sucks _at lying. _Sucks. _I can't believe I actually trusted him with a proper _job _when he can't even tell he's hurting his boyfriend's feelings. Those two are a bunch of _lugs_. I swear, I should turn Kanda into a _woman._"

Her eyes sparkled with malice and Lavi hurriedly went to make a few phone calls.

After a few minutes of glaring at nothing in particular, Lenalee sighed and slumped in her seat. "Those two are idiots. Way to bring up their communication problems during Christmas, and Allen's birthday of all days."

Kanda's problem was that he never shared any of his worries or feelings in general. He was like a block of ice who refused to melt no matter how much salt you threw at him. No, even ice melted once in a while—this man was a freaking brick wall, and it took almost everything out of Allen just to find a weak spot to burrow through and reach the man inside. (Although, Lenalee was under the theory that Kanda was asexual except for Allen. So she was fairly skeptical about Kanda being human in the first place. If she hadn't once stumbled upon his and Allen's "alone time"...)

Then there was Allen. It wasn't as if he kept all of his insecurities inside. It was more that he made allowances for Kanda, thinking that whatever the two of them was "normal" considering who the people in the relationship were.

And they were _horrible _when it came to heart-to-heart conversations. They literally shied away from the mere mention of commitment or their personal feelings. They argued enough, but it was always about trivial topics such as how Kanda was a neat freak and Allen ate far too much for either of their wallets to handle. As far as Lenalee knew and heard (and believe me, she knew and heard a lot thanks to her women's intuition), Kanda remained mostly mute on his past and Allen went along pretending nothing was wrong.

"Lavi," Lenalee said, "what are we going to do with the two of them?"

Lavi just shrugged good-naturedly. "What we always do," he answered simply. "Make them kiss and make up."

"You know," Lenalee groaned, resting her head on the table, "kissing doesn't always make things okay."

"They don't?" Lavi blinked innocently.

Lenalee shook her head wearily. "Not when it comes to those two. They need a full-out fistfight."

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_On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me_

_Seven swans a-swimming_

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Somehow, Allen seethed to himself, he would have to find out who had written the goddamn song in the first place because that person seemed to have an unholy fixation with _birds. _And he wasn't very fond of birds in the first place, although Timcanpy was quickly becoming his favorite living being at the moment. This time, he had thrown his hands up in despair when seven swans appeared on his door. Truthfully speaking, they were just rubber duckies painted white and floating in a little plastic bowl filled with water, but he had all but burst a vein at the mere sight because his bloody _stalker _was _damn _persistent.

He refused to dwell on yesterday. The six geese had been a nightmare, and the way they honked and flew around his place was going to haunt him for the rest of his life. Thus, Allen held no regrets as he sold all six geese to the same shop he had handed over the French hens.

The Gray Man Mall (seriously, sometimes he wondered what kind of name was _that_) was humming with rampaging shoppers, bargain sales, and Christmas music. It had to be some sick sort of deity, Allen speculated, for the mall to play "Twelve Days of Christmas" about ten times in a row before they moved onto "Sleigh Ride".

But Allen wasn't going to mope over his sad, sad fate (and he wasn't even going to start on _Kanda_, that stupid twit), oh no—he was going to find a sale, he was going to _buy something_ that would make him feel better, and then he was going to the food court to stuff himself.

"Yuu-kun, don't you think this sweater compliments you...?"

"Go die, old man."

_'...Mana, what do I do now?'_

Good-bye, sale. Good-bye, food court. Instead, Allen resolved, he was going to stay behind the rack of clothes he was currently hiding behind so that the Tiedoll family (read: the ice prick Kanda) wouldn't be able to see him.

From what he could see from his occasional peeks around the heavy white trench coat that covered most of his face, Tiedoll and Marie were browsing the store items. Tiedoll was holding up an azure wool sweater up to Kanda who was scowling heavily and darting looks around the store as if mapping an escape route. Tiedoll seemed to be attempting (emphasis on _attempting_) to convince Kanda to try on the blue sweater while Kanda edged toward the store entrance with the look of a man being cornered by poisonous vipers.

Allen felt just a drop of pity for his boyfriend, just a little flicker of compassion. That tiny feeling was abruptly squashed when he remembered why he was hiding from Kanda in the first place.

"Then Yuu-kun—" Tiedoll was making a valiant effort to interest the dispassionate Japanese, and Allen was giving all kudos and condolences to the poor old man. "—aren't you going to buy anything at all, like something for Allen?"

The Brit's ears twitched. The cashier looked all funny at him from her spot, as in "what-are-you-doing-behind-there" kind of funny.

Kanda—suddenly looked embarrassed. "None of your business, stupid old man," he snapped out a bit too fast for anyone to think he was being completely honest. The tint of pink that Allen immediately zeroed in on (he loved it when Kanda blushed; it was always fun to take the older male off guard) indicated that something. Was. Up. Tiedoll seemed to notice as well since his eyes widened behind thick lenses before suddenly softening.

"Oh, Yuu," he chuckled, "it's nothing to be shy about. Naturally, as a good boyfriend, you would be looking for something special."

"Che."

"But Yuu-kun, to think that you didn't tell me anything about it... I was so surprised when Allen called me the other day, asking if it was true that you were spending time with us."

"Shut up, old man," Kanda hissed, his gaze sweeping the store nervously as if a sprout could pop up any moment.

(That wasn't far off from the truth, Allen mused from behind the trench coat.)

"But I was shocked that you came up with such an idea—"

"What idea?" Marie asked, looking very curious. Allen shared the feeling as he continued to eavesdrop. Marie loomed over Kanda and folded his arms. "What is this about, Kanda?"

Kanda frowned and said, "None of your fucking business, baldly."

Marie easily let the insult bounce off of him (he must have had a lot of practice, Allen observed, after living with Kanda all these years) and said calmly, "Still, from what I heard, you lied to Allen."

_'Damn right you did,' _Allen snapped inside his head.

The cashier leveled another stare at him.

"Moyashi will get over it," Kanda insisted, tucking his hands into his jean pockets. "He's the kind of sprout that always bounces back no matter how much you step on him."

Tiedoll, Marie, and Allen simultaneously winced at that, although for Allen, it was more out of anger.

"But Yuu," Tiedoll began, fixing Kanda with a serious gaze, "you can't keep on pushing Allen's feelings to the side. One day, you're going to hurt him bad enough that he won't come back anymore. You need to consider his position and what he's going through too."

"He's fine," the long-haired student said through gritted teeth.

Only the slight clenching on his fists gave him away.

Allen took the opportunity to slip out of the store, quickly merging into a crowd of enthusiastic shoppers. He let his mind wander back to Kanda's face, defensive and slightly ashamed, and felt his anger dissipate. Drooping slightly, Allen sighed. He couldn't stay angry at Kanda, no matter how much the man had it coming to him.

_'I'll get him something nice for Christmas to make up for it,' _he decided.

It was only after he had walked alone for a few minutes that he remembered.

_'I wonder what idea Kanda was talking about...'_

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_On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me_

_Eight maids a-milking_

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**SECRET CHRISTMAS ASSIGNMENT PARTY (SCAP)**

**MISSION REPORTS**

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**Dark Boots is very ashamed of Kanda's shoddy progress.**

_Bookman is ashamed as well. Kanda has failed to cover his tracks effectively._

**Allen also told me that he heard about some "idea" at the mall the other day, as discussed by the Tiedoll family.**

_Oh? What happened, Agent Dark Boots?_

**It seemed as though our dear Allen was eavesdropping.**

What? Why didn't I notice him?

**Because you're an idiot who only really notices him when you two are having sex.**

YOU can screw your bunny rabbit and stay out of my life.

_...Too much information over here, guys.__But seriously Kanda, you have to be more careful. You almost blew our cover._

Shut up. I didn't know that he happened to be there. And Tiedoll has a fucking fatass mouth.

_Ah, ah, ah. Don't shift the blame to your dad. He's pretty cool, by the way._

**Agent Bookman. Focus.**

_Right, right. So basically, Kanda, clean up your act._

**Or then we'll be invoking our right to kick you out of the assignment.**

_And strip you of your title as an agent._

I don't give a rat's ass about this agent crap. But I was the one who decided this, so don't you fucking dare.

_Nice to see your enthusiasm._

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_On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me_

_Nine ladies dancing_

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"You know, ladies," Allen said dryly, "it's great to see you all again from yesterday, but is this really...?"

One of the shorter girls named Load or Road or something akin to that just laughed at him before patting his head despite her stature. "Oh, Allen, you're such a sweetie. Of course we don't have to do this, but we want to anyways! And what kind of guy doesn't want nine pretty girls asking him for a dance?" She fluttered her eyelashes at him, but the action just made Allen cringe; her golden eyes, pretty or not, were creeping him out.

"Oh, I don't know, a very homosexual guy?" Allen refrained from rolling his eyes. "And that's not saying much since I saw most of you yesterday as milkmaids."

_'Most of you aren't girls to begin with,' _he added silently, eyeing at one of the "dancing ladies" whose chest was lacking and had legs hairy enough to be mistaken for sandpaper.

He blinked as one of the newcomers sashayed her way toward him. Or _his _way, to be more specific.

"Tyki," Allen blinked.

"Allen," Tyki smiled.

It was more than slightly disturbing to see Tyki, Lavi's longtime fanboy (Tyki insisted that he was simply an "admirer", although Lenalee would beg to differ), in a golden evening dress with his wavy dark hair flowing smoothly down his back. The white gloves seemed a bit over the top, but Tyki (how typical) easily made anything he wore look good, if not very gay.

"Mind telling me what kind of crackpot is hiring you all?" Allen said, rubbing the back of his neck bemusedly.

Tyki considered for a moment.

"Oh, you're getting nothing out of us," Load (Road? Sowed?) smiled, answering for Tyki.

"It wouldn't hurt to give him a little teaser, would it, Rhode?" Tyki said, pouting.

"Less talking, more dancing," Rhode cut in, twirling her red dress in response. The other ladies (several of which were clearly cross-dressing prats) nodded determinedly.

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_On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me_

_Ten lords a-leaping_

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…

"Kanda," Lenalee said. "Kanda. Kandaaaaaaaa."

"You're noisy," Kanda said in reply.

Lenalee huffed. "Did you really have to bribe a bunch of preschoolers to play Leap Frog in Allen's backyard?"

…

…

…

_On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me_

_Eleven pipers piping_

…

…

…

"No," Allen shouted angrily, "I don't care if you guys are really homeless Christmas carolers, get off of my doorstep!"

"But it's from your—"

"I can handled stuffed animals and maybe a couple of tame birds, but I'm not having you all singing me cheesy love songs with _flutes _in this neighborhood! My father will have a coronary!"

"_Who _will have a coronary?" Cross drawled from inside.

"And why are you back here?!"

"Stupid son. I ran out of money in the last dump I was at. Those rings of yours didn't amount to much in the end."

…

…

…

_On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me_

_Twelve drummers drumming_

…

…

…

At around 6 AM, Allen was woken up by a phone call.

In actuality, Cross slammed a foot on his cheek, boot and all, removed the ever-present cigarette from his mouth, and promptly said, "Debts." Silver eyes had snapped open and Allen found himself awake and curled up in the corner of his room, shivering from the D-word. The white-haired teen cursed for about a minute at his foster father, swearing angrily with all of the British insults he could think of, but Cross paid no attention to the obscenities as he shoved the still ringing phone into Allen's face.

"What?" Allen said irritatedly into the phone.

"_Hey, Allen!"_ a familiar voice said in a chirpy tone. _"Whoa... You sound kind of tired. Is this a bad time?"_

"Lavi, it's six in the morning, I have Cross' footprint on my cheek, and you're calling me to ask if this is a bad time," Allen said flatly. "If you don't tell me what's going on, I'm going to _rip _apart your Christmas present right now and feed it to the pigs."

"_...You have pigs?"_

"Good-_bye_, Lavi."

"Whoa, whoa, don't hang up on me! I swear, I'm just here to tell you to come over to Lenalee's place at two in the afternoon, okay?"

"Wha—"

"Great, thanks for coming in advance. Bye!"

Allen stared at the cordless phone before shifting his gaze to Cross, who was sitting at his desk. smoking serenely and blowing puffs of smoke up towards the ceiling at the glow-in-the-dark plastic stars plastered there. Cross put out his cancer stick on a nearby textbook (the P in Physics would forever have a dark gray stain on it) and said, "I don't know what's going on, and I don't give a damn either. Do whatever you want, brat. Don't go home with strangers and don't have unprotected sex and the usual shit, got it?"

Allen's right eyelid twitched and it was extremely satisfying to feel his foot connect with Cross' backside as he kicked the redhead out of his room and locked the door.

At precisely two in the afternoon, Allen approached Lenalee's house. It happened like this:

**Action One:** The door opened just as he was about the knock it. And strangely, the Lee door was one of the few ones that opened to the outside. And—you guessed it—the door smashed right into Allen's head.

**Action Two:** Lavi apologized frantically as he knelt besides the fallen Allen and helped his friend into the house.

**Action Three:** As Allen blinked through his blurry vision from his lying position on the couch, he thought he saw a long dark ponytail whisking around the corner of the kitchen.

**Action Four:** Lavi said that he had to be hallucinating and did he have a concussion? Of course he did, so Allen should rest and not worry about mysterious black ponytails.

**Action Five:** Allen swore he heard something pop. Something like a balloon, for instance. Lenalee appeared with a damp towel for the rapidly swelling bruise on his forehead and insisted that it was just one of her brother's experiments.

**Action Six:** Again, the ponytail. This time, it seemed to stick out from the kitchen area, and Allen could just barely see the head the ponytail was attached to and the familiar-looking jawline—

**Action Seven:** Lavi again apologized for knocking him out. Allen blearily remembered something about a ponytail.

**Action Eight:** He heard some loud whispers from the kitchen, accompanied by angry shouts and a smashing noise.

**Action Nine:** "No, Lenalee, I'm serious. There's someone in your kitchen, you should check to make sure it's not a burglar."

**Action Ten:** Allen got up from the sofa and went into the kitchen.

…

…

…

_Crack._

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY. HAPPY BIRTH—"

"Fuck," Kanda hissed, looking down at the switch he had just broken. The toy hamster in his hand continued to move its head from side to side and squeak out birthday greetings with Latino music coming from the toy's chest. "This stupid thing won't shut up." He brought it up to his head and shook it. The hamster's head drooped but its mouth continued to move, mouthing the words this time as the battery came loose. Growling under his breath, Kanda tried to flip the broken switch, but it refused to comply.

"Kanda?" Allen wasn't sure how he felt when he saw his boyfriend holding a fake hamster and glaring at it as if he could set it on fire through his gaze alone. But he was pretty darn sure that he wasn't feeling rainbows and butterflies and sunshine.

Kanda tensed.

Shaking his head, Allen picked up his jaw from somewhere on the ground and asked, "What are you doing?"

Slowly, Kanda exhaled once before putting the broken hamster toy aside. The hamster cheeped "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" one last time before Kanda all but ripped out the battery. Almost stiffly, he said, "It's... You know that shitty stuff that's been coming to your house every day?"

"You were the one sending that Twelve Days of Christmas stuff, right?"

"...How did you guess?"

"I—kind of just figured that out now. And it was pretty obvious, now that I think about it... Lenalee and Lavi and—Tyki..."

"Tyki?" Suddenly, Kanda loomed before him, dark eyes glowering. Allen had to swallow because Kanda's eyes were a bit overwhelming, especially when they were flashing with what he was fairly certain was possessiveness. "That fucking dick who probably has skin cancer from tanning in the sun all day? The pervert? The one that tried to molest you at—"

"Yes, Kanda," Allen cut off his boyfriend impatiently, "not that we know any other people named Tyki."

"So he _did _try to molest you?"

"What? No! I thought I cleared that up ages ago. He was aiming for La—"

Lenalee poked her head into the kitchen. "You two should stop talking about my boyfriend, kiss, and make up."

Kanda was seething. "Out, Lenalee."

She did, but not before tossing one last, "Hey Allen, if you see Tyki around anytime soon, tell him to back off and that Lavi goes for the boobs."

The Brit cleared his throat. "Yeah, Lenalee, I'll do that. You go and have fun with Lavi."

She blinked. "Oh, and happy birthday, you know? I mean, this was supposed to be a surprise, but Kanda had to go and ruin it all—"

"_Out._"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." She paused again, and her eyes softened slightly. "Really. Thanks for being born, Allen." Then she disappeared and suddenly some very interesting noises were heard from the living room.

Allen sighed. "Look, Kanda. I know that the lie about your family was because of this, right? So I'm—" He blinked rapidly and looked down at the ground. "I'm sorry. I should have trusted you more, right? And—I guess I should have told you about this a lot sooner. I mean, you don't tell me a lot of things, so I feel kind of insecure about that, but if you don't want to—that is, I mean—"

"Moyashi," Kanda frowned. Allen stopped rambling for a moment to look up. "Che," Kanda looked away. "It wasn't really your fault. I shouldn't have..." He trailed off and looked as if he wanted to continue, but because this was Kanda, he just fell silent and looked down at the ground along with Allen.

"...I always thought that Lenalee had a nice tiled floor for her kitchen."

Kanda grunted, and then muttered, "I'm...sorry too. I don't like telling you about a lot of things because it's...it's my problem, you know? But I do kind of..." he squirmed here, as if the intimate conversation was making him uncomfortable, "...it feels better talking to you. So I'll—try to open up."

And then Kanda looked as if he had just handed his soul on a silver platter over to Allen and was expecting him to knock it out of his hands. Allen hadn't blushed so hard before except for the time at preschool when a girl with long braids and glasses tried to kiss him.

"It's okay, Bakanda," he said. "I mean, it's Christmas." And he smiled.

"Yeah."

"..."

"..."

"...Um, so, are we going to kiss and make up now?"

Kanda choked.

…

…

…

"Man, those streamers were a waste," Lavi observed from the couch. He lifted a hand absently to cover a suspicious-looking red spot on his neck which looked more like a hickey than any innocent bystander felt comfortable looking at. "I mean, Allen didn't even see them. In fact, the cake's going to waste too."

"Mm," Lenalee agreed.

"And I can't believe the door hit him like that... Lenalee, tell your bro to fix that."

"Mm."

"This was a serious disaster. We should never plan surprise parties ever again."

"Mm."

"Well, at least he and Kanda finally made up...I wonder if they actually kissed and did that?"

"Mm."

"Tyki asked me to elope with him."

"Agree and I'll emasculate the lot of you," Lenalee said cheerfully.

"Hey, hey, just checking to see if you were paying attention."

"Mm."

"...How about a threesome?"

"...No, Lavi. Just...no."

…

…

…

…

…

…

**A/N: **I had two days to crank this out. As such, it's horrible. Or at least, I think it's horrible. And it's so long too... I wanted to throw up my arms and say "Screw this, I'm going to eat the candy canes off the Christmas tree" instead of finishing this oneshot. And this has got the be the most unoriginal plot ever. And the character development—grammar—romance—awkward moments... Ugh. I do not want to read this over and edit it since I'd probably start bashing my head on the wall for the sheer badfic-ness it has.

...Although, I've suddenly developed a strange compulsion to write a Tyki/Lavi/Lenalee threesome oneshot...

Well, Merry Christmas everyone.

(And happy birthday Allen, WE LOVE YOU.)

Please review. And since I'm feeling a bit masochistic, point out all of the bad parts of this story. In fact, flame me and I probably won't mind.

Okay, I'll mind. But I'll forgive you since it's Christmas.


End file.
